For a long time, since I was a very young child, I have felt the need to ‘stand out’ and be special in the eyes of others, and in ‘my own’ eyes in terms of being conscious of how others view me. I noticed at a young age that there are certain things one could do that would appeal to others that would get me noticed and gain some kind of favor, which visibly came in the form of positive attention. I noticed this primarily with adults, I would do certain things – basically entertain the adults, which in hindsight seem to have appealed to their sense of what is ‘funny’ and ‘cute’ and entertaining.
So at a young age I learned that some things work and some don’t – why did this matter? Because at an even younger age I realized on some level that survival is everything (or at least came to believe this) in terms of my survival being very ‘conditional’ and having to find ways to create the ‘right conditions’ to be able to have the best chance to survive.
So this was the point I had to push to the max. I had to appeal to people, get their attention, be noticed, make them happy, make them smile, do it a lot and to the utmost. Because what if other competitors come on to the scene for the ‘love’ of others?
I had to be the most noticeable. The most special. The greatest. Etc etc. Something so great and powerful and profound that I would be revered and never questioned as such. This ‘power’ figure of being ‘something greater’ was also a view in light in which I viewed my mother, as from birth she was my source for survival and thus I viewed her as ‘more powerful’, almost god-like, because I didn’t understand why or anything, and I was bound to her for my survival.
I then spent most of my life trying to be this ‘force’, this god-like essence, and yet at the same time searching for it, seeking it out, attempting to get as close as possible to it, learn from it, integrate and become one with it. Ironic.
From this, I unwittingly had formed a belief in god as a higher power – which was a belief that I was not even aware of – as this ‘higher power’ as the source of my survival. It was never clear to me that this was the case as my God came in the form of an essence as ‘power’ and ‘something greater than, out there somewhere’ – very mysterious lol. In fact this ‘god’ I was always looking for was ‘god’ as the source of my survival, which is in fact money (or those who hold money or that which brings you money).
And I searched for God. Endlessly. I have been looking for this higher power, this ‘something more’, this ‘something greater than’ that always seems to be somewhere out there of reach and unable to be found.
Although it is quite amazing that I never discovered what God is in fact in this world until someone pointed it out to me, I did (with somewhat more awareness, but still not really conscious of it) associate this ‘higher power’ with feelings and emotions. There tended to be a specific emotional/feeling experience that was linked/attached to experiences wherein I would get what I wanted/needed within the context of survival. It is like the polar opposite to the feeling/emotional experience of the fear of death – a feeling/emotional experience of feeling great because I staved off death and this fear of death has been temporarily suppressed.
So, as much as associating survival with certain things and people which appealed to me resonantly as ‘something greater’, I associated it greatly as well with feelings. FEELING good. FEELING happy. And before I knew it, I was hooked, and have spent most of my life addicted to the energy of the mind, the drugs of the mind that keep me in never ending experiences of emotional highs and lows.
And I have been looking for this ‘something more’ in EVERYTHING – the mind really is like a vampire leech that will stop at nothing to feed its hunger, and disregards all in its path. People, animals, nature – all of LIFE become nothing more than accessories that serve to satisfy in the minds eye.
And yet after pursuing all of these wild goose chases – at the end of every yellow-brick road there is never a pot of gold – that ‘something more’ that I have always been searching for, I never seem to find! And If I do, I can never keep it, never hold it, never completely…and the whole experience just becomes one of fearfully trying to get something and then fearing to lose it once you have it.
I have really duped myself, I have really believed in this higher power as God, to such an extent that I have even tried to find it within and as the Desteni I Process – impossible! It doesn’t exist, it is not there, it has never been there – WHAT I HAVE BEEN WANTING AND LOOKING AND HOPING FOR I WILL NEVER FIND. Could it be that all I have ever been searching for all along has been myself?
At the end of every illusion is NOTHING – and all are living in some sort of illusion it seems…what will be made of us when it is all said and done?
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something ‘more than’ or ‘greater than’ me or anything or anyone
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in a higher power as money or as a feeling/emotional experience
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in a higher power as ‘something out there somewhere’ to be sought out and attained as a feeling/emotional experience or person/thing with a perceived ‘special’ value
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something ‘greater than’ to be attained as a feeling experience or attainment of possessions as experiences, people and things