I’d like to share some of my experience since visiting the Desteni Farm. I kept a journal while I was visiting the farm, and this is sort of an update. You can check out the journal here:
So since I left I have returned to my home away from home, in Thailand – I’m in my last year working here and once my contract is up in march 2011, I’ll be going back to Canada to study in university to become a qualified teacher in Canada.
Coming back from the farm was a difficult transition for me, mainly because i was going back to an environment that was heavily associated with many of the addictions I carry, that I had a slight ‘relief’ from by being on the farm. I basically fell hard – it kind of reminds me of The Matrix movie where people get out of the Matrix and realize what they are then really facing in their reality, and then have that desire to ‘go back’ – like to forget that they had discovered that the whole matrix had been a lie. I wanted to cling to my old addictions, my ‘old life’, as much as I knew how fucked it all was. And I tried, and it failed. In a way it was opportunistic because with every time i fall, it strengthens my resolve, it is like a kind of motivation, and since visiting the Farm I was more clear and able to use the ‘tools’ with which to support myself in standing up.
That was probably one of the most if the the most cool point of support of my experience visiting the farm, was becoming clear on the tools desteni is sharing and their practical application – becoming more specific, and stopping any assumptions about what it is to apply these tools. Going more from a conceptual understanding to a practical understanding, going more from an inner understanding to an outer understanding, seeing what it actually ‘looks like to apply and change oneself. That it is not instant, and that it is always specific, in terms of what actions, actual day to day living application support and do not support me in my process and why. For example doing physical labor to support myself in being here and not thinking, or identifying resistance and always walking through resistance. So this has assisted with the directness and effectiveness of my application in my process.
It has not necessarily made it any ‘easier’ to walk through resistances or stop desires and patterns, but simply provided clarity in order to be effective when I will myself to do so. Otherwise it has been like a constant battle, unfortunately, because I am opting more to be directed through consequence in finding that will to really apply myself, rather than self direct – but what was cool about this and visiting the farm is that this was put into common sense perspective to be able to understand why this is so, which has helped ALOT with regards to judging myself – because when I would not understand exactly why it is that i fell so much or why it was so hard, there would be more of a tendency to judge myself – harshly.
It was put more into perspective that I have ‘put alot’ into my programming, my entire lifes worth actually, and that the programming/pre-programming is quite extensive – thus it is simple common sense that there is going to be resistance, and it will be strong! I mean there is literally an artificial person within me that I’ve created that doesn’t want to die. So rather than judging myself for falling – as fucked up as everything is and as much as change is needed ASAP – I have become a bit more patient, gentle and understanding with myself and also others, which has been really cool – because the experience of constantly judging myself was really not fun and really held me back in my process because within that judge – which as I mentioned before exist from a lack of understanding – I would then believe myself to be that which I am judging myself as and further define myself as that, only seeing that and myself as only that – which only prolongs this process.
Now I’d get back to the point I mentioned briefly, 2 paragraphs above, with regards to self direction. It was pointed out to me by Bernard that I was waiting. That I had not taken this directive principle as myself. In not being self directive then I am really waiting for the inevitable consequences of this, and so it is no wonder I have been existing with this fear and anxiety. Again I’ve basically been doing that my whole life.
Now that I have found desteni, there really is no excuse for this – the tools are here, I can see what is going on and I must do this – yet it is very new, different – like learning how to walk for the first time.
What was cool about living on the farm was that it was like the actual proof that this was possible. It showed me that heaven on earth, and real change is in fact possible – but I realized that I must BE that change, I must bring it about into existence.
While I was on the farm, it was kind of ‘given to me’ in a way – yet no one can actually do this for another, no one can take self responsibility in place of another – therefore I realize why, despite having the answer on a golden platter, and being immersed in this awesome environment – why I did not still then just magically automatically stand and change. Nothing had changed for me, and I saw this when I went back home – I had the support, but first and foremost i must stand and support myself.
But what was cool about the experience was that I realized that I can create this support environment for myself, through who I am. That it comes from within as my will and resolve to actually stop and change myself. That this is a path that all are able to walk and that it is the most amazing experience/gift anyone could ever give to themselves. So rather than keeping the Farm as some amazing place ‘out there far away separate from me’, I’m not more able to bring that experience here and live it as myself one and equal, which – given the environment I am accustomed to with so much stress, fear and anxiety, is an amazing relief, to say the least.
It has even been interesting how some things Bernard and Sunette said to me during my visit I did not fully understand until much later after i got back – many times it was only several months later that I understood a point, because my understanding was not a lived understanding and thus it was not common sense that I shared.
In the times I have pushed myself in applying myself and staying consistent with my application, it is like an entire new world opens up, where things like fear and shame begin to stop, and that has been a really cool experience, because it is like a whole new me, being able to handle and respond to every day life situations and experiences in ways I never imagined myself to be able to do. All in all, the more directive I become with myself, the more directive I become within my world, which is really cool because in essence I am setting myself free to no longer exist as a slave bound to the system, always struggling, only ever living in reaction, fear and survival. I’ve still got a long ways to go, but it is a cool beginning in developing self trust and seeing who I am really am. The key is realizing that I will only ever get back what I give and that this all must start with me, that I’ve got to put in the time, work and effort until I am able to live within and as an existence that is acceptable.
So I am continuing to stick to simplicity in my application – which was emphasized to me during my chats with my resonances on the farm, and deal with what I am able to. It is always simple, just ‘difficult’ at times from a perspective of not giving into wants and desires. It is to become humble and see that humbleness is not what I have come to perceive it as previously in my life – like a passiveness or weakness – but actually where your real ‘power’ lies.