My process has taken an interesting turn since visiting the Desteni farm, where I was assisted and supported to see more clearly and identify a lot of my points that my mind consist of, to see how I was living/interpreting my process.
On a conceptual level, I was really understanding everything – everything I studied made sense, and I made sure to always keep up with studying the Desteni material because I knew from the very beginning that ‘this was it – the answer we’ve always been looking for’, and what it would actually imply to cut something like Desteni/process out of my life.
On a practical level, it was a different story, because that which I had become and was existing as was already here – and I had become a pretty fucked up being. So while I pushed, I tried, attempted, struggled to change things, to make things ‘ok’ in my world – I was still fucking up and not much was changing, and if it was, it was very slowly and only through the severe manifested consequences of making mistakes. This was the case because I was really applying my process ‘through the mind’, so to speak – wherein my understanding of process was ‘filtered through/interpreted by’ the mind and that which I was currently existing as – all my beliefs, desires, preconceived ideas etc. – and this showed in my practical application – which explains why it was all such a struggle – I was still trying to make something work that was an idea, of knowledge and information. of the mind.
So despite all the struggles and difficulty – and it had been a really tough year – specifically I’m talking about my first year living in Thailand – I never gave up on process or myself, because again, how could I? This wasn’t like giving up another belief or opinion – it would be like committing suicide on an eternal level.
Yet fascinatingly what I’m finding is it is actually like giving up another belief/opinion because this was essentially how I was interpreting process and the tools of process (self honesty, self forgiveness). I was already existing as a self interested system, hell-bent on rising to a point of personal power, success, happiness – and given the degree to which I had become this, lived this – I incorporated process and the tools of process into this starting point, this “I am” that I had come to exist as.
Fortunately I managed to get the time and money to take a trip to the Desteni farm in South Africa, where I received tremendous support in seeing exactly what I was doing, and getting an overview of how it all worked.
What was emphasized to me was to stick with the simplicity of the application of the tools provided, and focus on self – as soon as anything becomes over-complicated: stop, breathe. Don’t even go there, because you know where you’ll end up.
The reason it was becoming over complicated, the reason I was unclear, was because I had these systems pre-existent within me, so I was still trying to do process and make it work, within the context of my already pre-existent systems – I was still hanging on to desires, beliefs – without even realizing it. It was not even until I visited the farm that I was shown that my #1 starting point in my existence was money – making money and thriving financially. I had no clue! Sure, I saw that ‘power’ had always been a big point for me, but to actually clearly and specifically identify that it was money, I was not able to do. It is really indicative of the extent to which we become these very systems of the mind, to the point where we do not even see it because we are living it fully – completely consumed – we are in some deep shit! But this perspective has supported me when seeing others in my world, and taking into consideration the current level of understanding of human beings.
But fascinatingly, I had to live this shit and see myself as the example of the fuck up to be able to understand it and begin correcting it. That is what stands out, because the whole fuck up in the first place was not letting go of my self interest of wanting everything to just ‘be ok’, like instantaneously, and just kind of continue living my ‘great life’ and ‘rising to the top’. What I see now is that that desire to complete process, to have it done ASAP, and for everything to just be corrected NOW, to do it perfectly and flawlessly – only existed because I was unwilling to give up my self interest as the mind in the first place.
I wanted to give it up, to a certain extent. Yes, I had had enough of a lot of shit in my life, was not really happy, was fed up with all the bullshit, had plenty of regrets and fuck ups in my life, and most of it, I did feel I was ready to give up. There was just one point, one single point that I remember looking at, very early on my process and consciously saying to myself: “shit, no, I don’t want to give this up, this is awesome, and I enjoy it so much!”. This point was: women – ‘beautiful’ women and the desire to be with and have sex with them. On that one single point, everything was fucked, my entire process, and I had no choice but to walk through the manifested consequences of accepting and allowing this point. What is so crazy and stupid is that I was even aware of that, when I had made that choice – I was even starting to see that looks, beauty, all that stuff, was complete utter bullshit, yet I submitted to this seemingly overwhelming desire and experience of perceived enjoyment.
My mistake was that I actually mistook this desire, this overwhelming energetic experience of desire – for me. I believed this energetic experience to be who I really was. I allowed myself to believe it was who I am because I accepted it as who I am – I did not stop myself unconditionally.
At the time that I did this I had no idea how energy worked, how energetic experiences were created and manifested, so I did not see how to practically apply the solution of self forgiveness, and within my lack of understanding I caved in, and did not unconditionally stop and stand until I understand and find another way.
So I took the ‘long road’ – again – in my process, and it is really not a recommended experience. I could have saved myself a lot of unnecessary suffering if I had simply stopped unconditionally and embraced the unknown.
So while I want to warn everybody in the world: “don’t make the same mistake I did!” I’m not here to prove anything or change or save or convince anyone, and what I am doing now is taking my process to a more ‘inverted’ level wherein I first focus on just me – so that I can actually figure this shit out for myself. Study the mind as myself and understanding this shit before I dare to go trying to help others. But trying to do these things has become almost habitual, because these tendencies usually exist when there is a point I am not applying myself with effectively or have not dealt with. I mean, where else would the desire to help or change or save others come from? It is only ever a projection of self, projecting these points onto others because self is not willing to do these things for self.
What is cool about now studying the mind and doing process more ‘as myself’ and not so much from a knowledge and informational perspective – is that you actually understand this shit! You then become effective in dealing with this shit, both within yourself and with others – and that is a really big relief because I was so sick and tired of dealing with others, trying to explain, prove, help, convince – all I was ever doing was judging others as inferior for not understanding and getting frustrated, while I apparently had some greater/higher understanding. So every time I approached another, spoke to another, tried to share with another – it was just a bullshit experience, where there would either be a positive reaction or a negative reaction between two people existing in separation – never two beings sharing, equal and as one.
Whereas now, I’m really liking this experience of me wherein I don’t judge, I don’t have anything to prove, I don’t have any kind of vendetta – I’m becoming more gentle, humble and understanding, which may seem like simple things, but is really a new and amazing experience for me. So given all of this, I would now much rather only speak on a point if I am clear in understanding and am no longer speaking in separation to another – because I have figured this point out for myself and no longer then have this desire to have others understand and figure it out, because I myself have understood and figured it out. Facing a point – whether I am facing the point in myself or another – is no longer this awful, fear driven experience, because I do not trust myself because I did not allow myself to be honest with myself in the beginning.
To summarize, there are two main points I’ve outlined which are: to stand unconditionally – even if you seem overwhelmed, even if you don’t have a ready-made answer and are facing the unknown – we don’t need ‘higher ideas’ and ‘better things on the way’ to stop – that is just the mind and fear of giving up the mind – it is obvious common sense – when you are self honest and take a look at your world – that we should stop ourselves and get down to this process – we don’t need proof or a reason.
The second point, is to at the same time not be afraid to make mistakes, because again the mess is already here, and adding to the mess has become habitual – it is not going to suddenly go away no matter how perfect we may desire it to be. The desire to ‘do everything perfectly’ and fear of making mistakes was only a self trust issue – I did not trust myself to make mistakes and still be able to stand and correct them and learn from them, because I had not been completely honest with myself in my process by not giving up this one point, I had allowed myself that opportunity and reason to fear – and from the perspective of what I had created, the fear was valid – but how stupid is that? To fear yourself only because you deliberately allowed yourself to exist as flawed, and then fear the mistakes you will inevitably make, as if they will continue eternally. If my starting point is clear, self honest – then what can I fear? Even if I fall, I have made the commitment that I am dedicated to this process and that I am willing to face everything and walk through it in self correction it until it is done.