More recently in my process I am beginning to use blogging as simply a practical support tool and nothing more. I have done this before with writing, but have not kept it consistent and also have not published the vast majority of my writings. I also noticed the difference between my ‘personal’ writings and my ‘public’ writings and how my starting point of whether my blog is a private one or a public one has over my writing – what I will say and/or how I will say it.
As a general point of notice, I noticed recently that there is like a deeply ingrained habit of speaking in a way where I am trying to prove something to others/myself or convince others/myself. This is obviously a not a beneficial way to apply self in process and I saw in common sense that this desire can only exist if there is some hidden point of self interest – wherein I am holding onto a point of self interest and not applying myself completely, and thus create an internal friction/battle wherein I am at the same time judging myself and ‘trying to get myself’ to stand up and apply self as giving up self interest – and so that desire for myself to hear myself as what actually physically practically support myself is projected outwardly onto others.
I’ve been doing writing for a long time now, but as I mentioned I haven’t kept it consistent, and also not always self directive in the way I write. I don’t have to have some ‘goal’ or idea in mind, but simply apply myself in whatever point I am writing within the context and starting point of equality in doing what is practically necessary to support equality – currently as it stands it is to purify myself and stop all points of self interest that exist as the mind.
There is no actual reason why I can not face myself openly, self honestly and expose myself in this process, if I am in fact standing for life and dedicating myself self honestly to this process – what would I have to hide if I am in fact self honestly satisfied standing up for life? Within this context, there is no fear of exposure because self trust is being developed that I will do whatever is necessary to correct any past mistakes – it is what it is and that can not be changed, so there is no sense in deceiving myself by living in regret or shame and simply prolonging my process of actually standing up, unnecessarily. Self pity and despair and sadness and all those kind of things – as emotional energetic experiences – is essentially a form of self manipulation to not have to take self responsibility for that which is causing all this bullshit in the first place.
As was suggested in a process support video I watched today, I will push myself to support myself through writing and vlogging and establish consistency – the more I allow there to be any resistance to doing these points the further I am pushing myself away from self intimacy and further ‘clouding’ these points. That is what is so key about writing – you’re able to see yourself from a perspective that you don’t have when you are only thinking or feeling or having emotions – thus I become more self intimate in identifying ‘who I am’ and ‘how I am existing’ and put myself in the ‘driver’s seat’ to actually be able to direct myself, to even be able to consider points that we’re not able to due to our self accepted and allowed limitation due to fear of facing self as self intimacy, like: Who am I? What and how am I existing currently? Does this way that I am existing then support myself and all other life equally as taking into consideration and valuing all life equally?
That is the real basic overview, but now as process expands – and especially being well into the SRA course – this is becoming much more specific, to deal with all the ‘little’ points, questions, misunderstandings and uncertainties I may have.
It is all starting to put into perspective how little I really understand and how much I do not see – it is amazing how deep this shit goes and one may be surprised at the unexpected that is uncovered – I definitely have been so far. Yet it all becomes so obvious in a way when uncovered – common sense – because I start to see how I’ve swept it all ‘under the rug’ by abandoning and neglecting myself – and others in turn – so extensively, for so long.