Wow, I have not written in this journal for a long time, I didn’t even realize! This being my personal journal that I’ve been writing in since July 15 2009. It is surprising because I have written since, but it was for my blog. I am still working on ‘bridging the gap’ between my personal writings and my blog posts so that I can speak openly, freely, expressively no matter what where I’m writing it or who will be reading it. The desire (when I know I will be showing anything publicly) has always been to write in a way that will impress people, where I do a ‘good job’ of making a ‘good point’ – and anything less is like something I would rather not have anyone see. Sure, I don’t want to just ramble or write bullshit anywhere that I’m writing, but there is nothing wrong with writing on a point if I am not %100 clear on the point. Often I have found that in the actual process of writing about a point or speaking on a point, it is in that process that I may actually come to a point of clarity or realization, in just seeing/hearing myself talk about it and ‘lay out’ all the details, considering all points and applying common sense here in the moment.
I don’t enjoy having things that I feel like I cannot openly share – not only because of the shameful nature of such points but also because of how and where I allow myself to still fall to such points. The resistance has been immense – finding points that I literally do not want to give up – and so this is what I do, just keep moving, keep writing, try to ‘minimize’ the possibility that I might fall, keep facing the points, having them brought up and being aware of them – definitely makes it much more difficult to participate in/fall to my addictions when I know exactly what it is that I am doing, why I am doing it, how it all works and how it will play out – ‘seeing it for what it is’ so to speak – is like basically a form of trapping myself as the mind. I have definitely found it increasingly more difficult to participate in my addictions with understanding and awareness of what it is that I am actually doing, like I can do it, and it is even easy in a way to do it because it is habitual, but it is ‘just not the same’, even when I get a ‘high’ from an addiction, it is never the same as it used to be, where I was completely, utterly consumed and entrenched in the high – which is exactly what I always aimed for, was exactly always the desired experience.