Today after watching an amazing interview by Bernard Poolman, I realized the importance of writing out backchat – especially when it is thoughts about other people, where I am gossiping with myself about others – identifying the backchat and doing self forgiveness/self corrective application – this shit accumulates into problems exploding in my world, and while I am able to stop it, I will!
The aforementioned video on backchat can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkEVmd59-Ao&sns=fb
I decided to share my journal entry from today with everyone wherein I have begun this approach with identifying and removing my backchat. What is different about my approach here is that I am realizing I have got to really write out the thoughts and feelings and emotions that I experience about something or someone – no matter how ugly or nasty it is – so that I may reflect and identify points, beliefs, judgments, definitions, justifications, blames, etc – and do the necessary self forgiveness. This I find keeps me from making assumptions about what to do self forgiveness on and makes SF more effective.
December 10, 2011
Ok – so I must stop the backchat – I must write my shit out, no matter how ugly it is, no matter what is said: this is the nature of me. So, as advised, I will begin identifying backchat about others in my world and I will stop it. I’d like to start with my friend A.
“I just look at this guy and I feel like shaking my head, like man, this guy doesn’t get it, he is possessed with heavy metal bullshit! He reminds me a lot of how I used to be – although I am aware to some degree when I have this backchat and that he is simply me reflecting me – whether it is currently reminiscent or of the past – it is essentially the same as this is a process, and even if I have made progress, I still have MUCH work to do ahead of me in terms of removing these mind systems completely.
I look at my friend and I think he is stubborn, arrogant, a control freak and very egotistical. I find him stupid for actually believing in the heavy metal bullshit, the smoke and mirrors and lights that make stupid-power-craving men go “ooh, ahh” – it is like, he must know this is bullshit, or does he even stop to question it? Is he so stuck in survival? I find him stupid for not recognizing his own bullshit, that not only is his life fucked, but that it is no joke and requires immediate attention. Then I look at his relationship with his parents and family and think “holy fuck, it’s no wonder” because this is like the foundation for one’s future interaction and relationships in this world. He seems very angry, very fucked on the inside. I have tried to ‘help, but it really looks like my attempt to ‘help’ is pointless at the least, and in more depth, looks like my own attempt to salvage a friendship while continuing on with process – when in fact that is self deception, I know this will not work and that this is an excuse to divert my attention away from my own process and doing what must be done. It is like a dependency, friendship, to hang onto the old. But I’m glad that recently I took a stand on my own terms – life terms – in what I really want to do and accept nothing less – and not as a matter of ego or conflict, because obviously I really don’t want to have conflict and bullshit in my life. This is where the desire to influence my friend and convince him and everything is coming from – the desire to control and direct another when I cannot direct myself, the desire for another to stand so that I do not have to.”
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to separate myself from another as friend A
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to have thoughts about my friend A
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed to desire to be better than/special compared to my friend through competition.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to want and desire to compete with my friend A
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge and define my friend as arrogant, egotistical and judgmental
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge others who subscribe to/believe in heavy metal music as a way of life
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge the heavy metal music scene
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to try and attempt to understand my friend A within the desire to control, influence and change this person
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge/separate myself from others who seek and desire power and control – and that I have not accepted/embraced myself as one and equal to these others
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge my friends relationships with others such as their partners or parents
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to want/desire/attempt to save or salvage my old friendships for the sake of not actualizing self change and keeping myself defined/limited according to old definitions of others of who they are in relation to me
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to project my own desire to actualize self change onto others as the desire to influence/control others into changing themselves
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to expect others to change themselves and realize themselves as life when I am not doing so and leading by example