Here I allow me to become intimate with me – to express me and see myself as who I have become. I embrace myself as breath. I embrace the Unknown. I give me to me fully. This is all I have ever been looking for, this is all I have ever been searching for, this is all I have ever been waiting for – me. I give myself unconditionally.
I listened to an interview today about trust – I have seen how I have no real trust as I have not been self honest. I have not trusted within and as myself as who I am as the physical as life – in this, I have not even been able to look to find out if this is who I really am. I have heard it, I have studied, it has sounded completely true and amazing – yet I have not done it, have not lived it fully. Completely, here in every breath. I have instead continued to compete. I have continued to trust in the mind. I have not realized what stopping unconditionally can actually ever truly mean because I have not actually done it. It is that simple. I see now how I have created myself as knowledge and information, existing purely within and as the mind and ego – always living for something, someone else but me.
So sabotaged was I that this is how I did everything – I was cut off from life. And I continued to trust in the mind without realizing it – I just changed the knowledge.
It fucked me – I mind fucked myself so badly again and again and again – I have been possessed by it, by my system demons. This is what I have become: I have been looking to fuck myself, that’s all I had become, a walking mind that is looking for something to fuck – and then all I was left with was me to fuck me when I became it. It was always me.
This process sometimes has felt like I am pushing myself towards the brink of insanity – and I am. To the point where I will maybe crack and realize the simple truth. I have programmed myself to see it, I have done work to see it, even while being a system, a system trying to understand itself. Now I see. I begin to remember who I am – who I am is here in every moment – I need only look – write – support myself through writing to look and see and stop this madness, this energy madness, this drug that is the mind.
It doesn’t have to be this way. I have created it all along.
I used excuses – I was so deep in my own bullshit, my own self deception, that I did not even see how far gone I was, I did not see the deception within deception that present itself as logic. Of course not, I made it to deceive myself, I deceived myself – yet from this I created a system of self deception – designed in a way that I would always continuously move from one point to another backwards and forwards, searching for who I am. I became lost within this.
I have seen that another way is possible. It has been shown to me, proven right in front of my eyes. I have used self judgment as an excuse. I am not good enough. I am not worthy. Like it is some fucking competition. Like it is about others in separation/relation to me. Don’t you see? This is about life. This is about you.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to live for others.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to sabotage myself within and as my process.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to use fear as an excuse to not apply myself within and as my process.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to use self judgment and judgment of others/comparing myself to others as a way to sabotage myself from not participating within and as my process
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to use excuses and justifications to not stand up within and as my process.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to use addictions as a way to limit myself to energy/the mind/polarity/energy as an experience and not stand up and live
I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself the self trust to unconditionally stand within and as breath
I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to embrace myself fully here as breath within and as the physical
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to fear what I have become and within this fear, not see the absolute simp0licity and ease of the solution.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that I am enjoying myself by existing within and as the mind and participating within and as energy
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that this energy as the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions is who I really am
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to fear what others think of me as others judging me and used this as an excuse to not stand up and fully participate here within process
I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself the self trust to simply apply myself here in every moment as breath.
I forgive myself that I’ve not used writing effectively as a self support tool to see myself in self honesty and apply self forgiveness