January 15, 2012
I just had a big reaction to my mother – abusing herself – looking for the miracle cure to her problems – I said what I said to her because I really see a lot of bullshit, but there was lots of reaction, judgment and fear. What am I reacting to? Well there is obviously self delusion, the search for a savior, the search for answers outside of common sense, not even considering another way, not even giving herself a chance, and actually standing up for her self-abuse, fighting for her limitation, promoting it, hurting herself and others through it. I judge her as dumb, stupid, slow. It is like she doesn’t even see how defensive she is.
Then there is the whole power and control point – actually believing she is in power and control, getting angry and defiant when others challenge her, and playing the role of a victim. It goes on and on, and all the meanwhile – presenting herself like a good person and authority in a rightful position of power! I am so sick of being deceived by bullshitter women who know nothing but fucking self abuse and spitefully present themselves this way towards others, as if they are these wonderful beings. I actually believe this bullshit. I actually believe another will save me, I actually believe that the answer is in another. I actually believe I need and require another or something outside and separate from myself as a woman, or stuff, or an identity of power and control. And I am holding onto it righteously like she is. I actually believe that surrounding myself with slaves and pets who have no self respect is making me more powerful and strong.
It’s not even the endless search for a cure actually, it is the idea that we have found a cure and are using it and living it. I have not been fully living this process, not to its fullest, not to the absolute that I am aware that I can apply myself. And I either do it or not, no middle of the road. I know I can do more and I know I focus on other things when I am aware of the actual points that I am allowing and must/can stop….that it I clearly must stop. Ah – this is the point! I have been focusing on other things as a way to ‘let these other points I’m allowing slide’ – like school, work, making money, music, entertainment. A couple of those must be done as requirements but again they are not the only things that need to be done, they are just part of this greater overall process. I have used fear as an excuse, fear of loss, but it is just fear of facing myself, which makes me stupid lol. How can I have self respect when I allow myself to fall so foolishly, I am doomed to judge myself! I have even used foods to try and save me from this problem that I am aware I am creating and manifesting.
I have used the fear of not having money, the fear of failing school, the fear of losing others and the fear of survival to justify this, basically as a distraction. I am actually allowing these fears and creating them as I do not apply myself fully – not applying self honesty and self forgiveness is a sure recipe for disaster and failure!
Specifically, I am seeing now that this ‘search for answers’ that I am reacting to is my deeply engrained tendency to find a woman and a partner. Even the desire to turn these relationships into ‘supportive’ ones as agreement is deception. Self Sabotage. I must show myself and prove that I am walking alone unconditionally before I can even consider such a thing. Even within this experience now, here writing, I have only been brought to this point out of consequences – severe pain and conflict – not self movement. This is what it has taken for me to get straight to the point – from this perspective it is cool to stop trying to save others and simply allow for – consequence – as tough as that can be to watch – but stop believing that it is so bad to watch because in the end it is what is necessary. Sure it is sad that this route has been chosen, but wallowing in sadness is pointless.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge my mother as dumb, stupid and slow
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to judge my mother for what she is showing me – and not realizing that this is me showing me myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that another – as woman/the ideally presented woman – can save me or is the answer for me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that the perfect life will save me/is the answer for me as the ideal woman, social standing, job and money. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea of the perfect life and followed/enslaved myself to this ideal.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that taking advantage of those who allow themselves to be weak – brings me power and that this sense of power is real when in fact, I am equal to them in having no power, being weak and abuse myself/have no respect for myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become stagnant and not apply myself fully within my process within the idea and belief that I have found Desteni and since I have found Desteni, everything is suddenly ‘ok’ and ‘will take care of itself’- not realizing that this is constant continual process of self moving self to uncover and correct self
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear of failing in school fear of losing money, fear of losing friends and family – as an excuse to not apply myself fully by distracting myself with ‘other priorities’ as what must apparently be done – not realizing that all things start with self as this will determine who self is within all experiences
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to de-rail myself and divert myself and my attention away from what is here and is required to be done within the belief that the answers and my apparent fulfillment LIE in making money, having the ‘ideal’ career and having the ‘ideal’ girlfriend/partner – not realizing that these are deceptions that I have created and carried with me from a young age that are in fact based in self deception, self interest, self spite, fear, and a misunderstanding of who I really am as life.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be a victim and helpless and within this belief, sabotage myself into not standing up and living/applying myself.