I can never remember a time in my life where I was truly happy – yet in my life, I have had experiences of extreme happiness, extreme emotional ‘highs’, and lots and lots of good and great experiences of love, light and bliss.
Yet, I have never been satisfied, I have never experienced myself and my world in a way where I lived in absolute certainty in happiness with myself and my world. If anything it was the contrary – all that ever seemed to stand out about my life were the ‘bad points’ – no matter how much ‘good’ I believed myself to be experiencing. In many ways I always hated life and rejected a lot of what I had experienced in my world.
Since a young age, I always remember wanting a ‘way out’, like I was trapped, stuck in this reality without any understanding, perspective, insight or direction to what is going on in this world and inside myself. From this, I had never really ‘settled’ on a version of life, on a way of life – I tried, don’t get me wrong, I tried to fit the molds, I played the part and sometimes I did a damn good job of it. But at the same time, it was almost as if I always ‘kept an eye out’ for another way, I looked for that something else, that something hidden, almost like some form of God as a point of reference and direction in my world.
I never found it. I became so lost in fact that by the age of 22, I had lost virtually everything in my world, save shelter and food, and even then it was not in ideal situation. I lost my long term girlfriend and everything that I had invested in love and my relationship was long destroyed and sullied, I lost my job, I lost my home, I became estranged from close family and hated what other family wanted to stay close to me, I lost my band which I had worked on for years and all future prospects of ‘making it in this world were being destroyed, and within this all I had lost myself as I had became heavily addicted to drugs.
This is when I began to question things and do research, because I wanted answers. I began researching things looking for answers as to why my life was so fucked up, and why so many peoples lives were so fucked up – most people – because at this point I could finally begin to relate to how most people in this world are actually experiencing life. It is not pretty, and all of the pretty pictures/dreams/hopes that I had surrounded myself which I had illusioned myself with were faded or destroyed.
In my research, I began to figure things out. I began to see that it was not just me that had become so fucked up, but that it was most people and most importantly it was the people who were in power of control of this world who were actually the most nefarious of all. This changed a lot for me because I was becoming so accustomed to believing that I was the one who was born in sin, that I am evil and there is something wrong with me and that this is just the way I am.
I became sick of my own suffering, and more than anything, I began to stand up out of self respect to find out: what the fuck is really going on in this world?
I did tons of research, I scoured the internet and began learning the essence of just about every aspect of this world in search for answers. However, as much as I learned, and as much as my eyes began to open to some things, I still never found like I found that one ‘ultimate point’ of direction, that contextualizes and gives perspective and understanding to all things in this world – this one point that ‘connected all the dots’.
Then one night I was up late just browsing the internet – it was like I didn’t even know what I was looking for. I began watching old Kurt Cobain interviews, because I had basically been reminded of a long-lost chapter in my life where I was a big Kurt Cobain fan. I don’t know why, but in a way it was like a point of ‘getting back to myself’ in revisiting the past.
There was a link on the side to another video that had Kurt Cobains’ name in the title, I clicked it without knowing what it was and began watching it.
Suddenly, (what I thought was) a little boy in a white room began speaking. I had no idea what it was and yet I was compelled. The person started talking about vampires, saying humans were vampires, and then started explaining about how human beings are mind consciousness systems who were basically nothing more than zombies sucking the life out of each other.
I didn’t fully understand it, and yet everything seemed to make complete sense. I had no reference, yet none of it I could argue with – and the expression was actually like watching my own expression, but just put into a vocabulary and context that I had not found within myself to express myself. This is all not to mention the pureness of the words being spoken. I am used to hearing real bullshit everywhere in this world and I had become extremely good at being a bullshitter myself, so the few times that I could see a person speaking truth, it was very noticeable.
I had a sense of ‘ I don’t know what this is, but there is something going on here, something profound – this is something that I know I must investigate’, and I did.
4 Years later my life has changed a lot, and all for the better. It has been a very rough period in my life, and yet through all the difficult times I must say that I have grown, with the support, assistance and perspective that I had provided myself by investigating the Desteni material further. As I mentioned, I did not fully grasp it wall in the beginning, and so I made a commitment to myself that I would investigate and research until I understood. It was purely a matter of self honesty at this point in my life where I had – through losing everything and becoming totally lost – realized that I never have ever had a real education in this world, and that I had NO idea what was actually going on in this world.
That in itself is a statement of humility in self honesty, yet it was losing everything that allowed my to realize this as there is a tendency to not question things and assume that we have it all figured out when we have money in our pockets and our life is ‘working out’.
But through the difficult times I was enabled to actually stand up – to actually transcend a false sense of ‘knowing it all’, start living with some self respect and actually, to myself self-honestly look in the mirror and say – I will not stop until I have figured this out, I will not stop until I have sorted myself out.
From this perspective I would say money can be one of the most dangerous things to have and I would be very careful about the tendency to get settled and ‘comfortable’ in this world. That is real deceptive stuff when you live in a world of absolute abuse, suffering and lack where most people are suffering because they don’t have what you have and they desperately want what you have. That is dangerous.
And despite even being fucked up already and having huge ego problems by this point in my life I could not deny one point: that I was suffering, that this world was suffering, and it is from this perspective that I say that the Desteni message is one of self respect.
Now, I dare myself and I dare everyone every day to stand up and live with self respect. Investigate what we share and do at Desteni, get involved, support yourself, assist yourself, and in turn support others and stop the abuse and suffering that is so prevalent in the lives of everyone in this world.